Yoga Mat For Sale - Funny

Found this on a blog and had to repost:

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a
Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a
Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a
I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a
The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a
Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

12:00p
Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.

12:02p
Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.

12:10p
It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)

12:26p
It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.

12:33p
It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.

12:40p
The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.

12:44p
I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.

12:52p
It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.

12:55p
This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?

1:01p
140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!

1:09p
150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness.

1:15p
I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.

1:17p
I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?

1:20p
It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?

1:30p
Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.

1:34p
My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.

1:37p
The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.

1:47p
Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.

3:47p
Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.

4:29p
Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.

Posture

I know have very poor posture and it adds to how fat/fit I look. After 23+ years of sitting at a desk, it is no wonder that I have hip/back problems as well as extremely bad posture. I hunch over like the Hunch back of Notre Dame … well maybe not that bad but pretty darn close.

I was walking by the office of a co-worker the other day and she was so slouched over, I wondered if that is how I looked. It probably is. During the summer my cousin (who is a nurse) came up to my sister and I and said that our Great Grandmother suffered from Osteoporosis and had a severe curved back as well. What does she mean “as well”? Both my sister and I questioned that comment later on and it’s made me think ever since…

Since going to the Chiropractor and RMT for the last couple of weeks, I have been trying hard to correct my sitting and standing posture. But it isn’t easy. My back quickly becomes fatigued because it is just not used to holding me up in the proper form. It likes being slouched over.

So throughout the day I stretch and correct myself. I feel that each time I do this correction, the longer I can hold it, the more natural it will eventually feel and the stronger my back will become.Here are some websites that talk about this topic:

Exercises to Improve Your Posture

Posture Exercises for Back Pain

How to Correct a Women's Posture

Maybe once I get my back strengthened again, this will become easier and more natural but for now I have to concentrate and focus on making it a habit. I need to retrain my muscles.

I’ll be at this desk job for many more years so I’ve got to work on undoing the damage.

And I’ll look 10lbs lighter too which is an added bonus ….

Me & Strict don’t mix well….

In a previous post titled “To Paleo or not to Paleo” I listed a pretty strict list of foods I couldn’t eat. Strict is the key word here on whether I will follow it or not. I don’t do well with strict anything. In fact, I don’t do well with the word “diet” either because to me it implies “a strict way of eating”. I need something that is easy to work with and something I can do as a way of life and something I will keep on for a long time.

It doesn’t matter which method of eating I decide to follow as they really all follow the same guidelines. Eat less processed food, more lean meats, vegetables and fruit. Some allow for grains, some don’t. Sandra – grains does not mean Old Dutch Arriba Tortilla Chips… or the rest of the junk you put in your body.

But if I am not strict with how I eat, then I am cheating (my personal opinion here). Yup, there it is.  I’m a cheater…. I can’t stick to strict because I frequently cheat. I can eat 80/20 clean but that 20% is going to continue to keep me where I am now. 20% cheating is not good. I used to do 6 days good, 1 day my cheat day (BodyForLife Program) where I could eat what ever I wanted. Sometimes that 1 day ruined 6 days of good eating.  (I did lose 50lbs though that I quickly gained back when my Mom was sick) It was a mix of Strict/Cheat that I could live with.

But now I’m finding it hard to get motivated to get started…..

I need to do a cleanse, a reboot (yeah I watched the Fat, Sick & Nearly video). I need to detox my body of all sugar which then removes the carb cravings. This helps me keep on track, get me started on eating clean consistently. Helps slow down or stop the cheat snacks/meals/days/weeks.

But a cleanse is strict and I don’t do well on strict.

My body is whispering to me… I think I had better start listening to it. I need to get serious about how I am treating it. It is the only one I have so I need to take better care of it. Or as I get older it’s just going to completely shutdown and make me truly miserable.Payback’s a biatch!

Exercise is only part of the equation but it is an important part for me. As I’ve personally experienced the last four months, it is actually critical for me to exercise. The walking I have been doing the past week has felt good – it hasn’t been “exercising per se” but it is movement and now it is time to up the anti. - I need to exercise more.

So I went to Bikram Hot Yoga last night – do you know how long it’s been??? Way to long. I’ve been afraid to go back because it is such a hard class and I’ve fallen so far behind in my fitness level the last 3 months. Well it was obvious just how weak I have become. Hurting my back in August was noticeable during this class. I focused on not judging myself (which all by itself was not an easy thing to accomplish) and just doing each pose the best that I could.  I am proud that I did each and every one of the poses, maybe just not both sets, but I did do them.

It’s time to stop hiding…and face up to my cheating ways….

Hunt Em Up!

It’s that time of year again where I get to go out and watch my girl work. It’s what she LOVES to do. I get lots of walking in and I take a ton of pictures.

Here are a few of my favorites

My lovely girl! Those ears are something else but they sure get full of burrs – ouch!

 

 

 

 

 

Kate loves to run through the bull rushes or cat tales (depending on what you call them). They are hard to see the dogs in but she just dives in looking for birds.

 

 

 

Oh Look – there is a pheasant.

 

 

 

 

 

I am amazed at what they run through without getting too hurt. Kate’s brother seems to constantly get these stuck in his feet but she doesn’t. Not sure if she is watching where she is running or what but her feet seem to survive quite nicely.

 

These dogs will not quit no matter how tired or sore they are and once they see the rifle, they are eager to get back out there and run. On Friday, I told the guys the dogs weren’t running and needed a day off. They didn’t argue as they knew as well that they needed a day of rest. I spent that day brushing out the burrs and massaging their muscles. They love it!

Ms Maggie will be able to get into the field next year but likely won’t do much other than play around and follow the other dogs. It takes a few years before they figure out exactly what they are supposed to do. Of course lots of pre-training is needed as well.  She is left in the safety of her kennel during the hunt.

Now that we are out at the acreage, working the dogs is easier and I may just start getting involved (in the training, not the hunting part).

 

S

How to Find Motivation with Cancer

The following is a guest post from Liz Davies:

 

Trying to find the motivation to exercise is hard enough for healthy and fit adults. So how do people do it when they have some major obstacles in the way?

There are different symptoms that arise during different phases of cancer treatment. Nausea, depression, exhaustion, anxiety, and pain cause patients to behave in different ways than they might normally and it takes an extra push to become or stay active. Exercise is more important than ever for people with cancer. It has shown to have astonishing health benefits that can really turn around someone’s life.

Exercise is especially important because it can help alleviate the side effects of cancer treatment. Staying active can increase the quality of life by reducing exhaustion and increasing energy levels and many other benefits.

When looking for motivation, cancer patients need to look at the vast benefits from the activity before they start and see how important the activity they are doing is for their health. Writing down reasons for the exercise leaves a visible reminder of why the activity is important. But the best cure for lack of motivation is to look for results. Usually after about two weeks people can see results from their work. It is important to set goals so that these results are even more visible.

Many people look inward for motivation but others find greater inspiration from others. Reading blogs is a good way to stay connected to like-minded people. There are also support groups for different types of cancers like breast cancer, liver cancer, and they even have mesothelioma support groups.

The amount of appropriate activity varies from person to person. Criteria such as age, cancer type, stage of therapy and the fitness level prior to diagnosis are important when determining daily fitness routines. Running three miles could be appropriate for one cancer patient while taking the stairs instead of the elevator might be a good goal for another patient.

Speaking with an oncology team allows cancer patients to create the right activity schedule and often gives them the extra push to start their routine.

Liz Davies is a recent college graduate and aspiring writer especially interested in health and wellness. She became particularly interested in ways cancer patients can cope with the side-effects of their treatment after her mother became an oncology nurse for lung cancer.

When it rains…

I’m in trouble.

Look what happened over the weekend!!

Yes that is my ceiling.

Yes that is a hole.

Yes it was leaking.

 

I noticed the stains showing up starting Friday. It had rained all day Weds/Thursday and some into the morning of Friday.

Then Sunday, after a lovely Turkey dinner I made for my family (all 20 of us), my brother decided that he should touch one of those stains. Well that started the dripping. Just below this is my lovely leather couch and no way was I getting water on it. So we grabbed a pail, and stuck a nail in the ceiling. The water started to pour out. Got about 2.5 gallons out of it (if not more). We widened the hole to have a look above to make sure there were no water pipes. The layout of the home does not warrant pipes there, but we needed to make sure. We have now confirmed, it is coming from the roof.

I have a leak in my roof and need to get this fixed before it rains again or winter sets in. Having a house that is almost 40 years old, like my body, it is going to slowly need repair. Oi Vey!!

But look at the highlight of my weekend… she is getting so big, and is slowly allowing me to hold her longer than 5 minutes. My son is her sunshine and she is completely attached to him. Will not go to others when he is around. I feel for him as he is primary care giver (she likes Mom well enough but she doesn’t shine like daddy does).

Hope you all have a great week.

p.s., I’ve noticed I don’t get very many comments any more and I’m thinking it is either because no one has anything to say about my boring posts (hee hee) OR all of you are having the same problems I am with commenting on blogger blogs. Feel free to send me an email of you like, it’s listed in my profile!

S

Hmm.. to Paleo or Not to Paleo

Well I’m not finding eating the Paleo lifestyle all that easy to do so I’m working my way into it by paying attention to what is going into my mouth and if it fits into the lifestyle or not. It is going to take a lot of pre-planning for me to make this work. Because so far I’ve failed at making it even close to being 100% Paleo. Not even 50% at this point.

Have a look at this list that I should not eat (according to one source):

Dairy Foods

• All processed foods
• Butter Cheese Cream
• Nonfat dairy creamer
• Skim milk
• Dairy spreads
• Powdered Milk Frozen yogurt Ice Milk Low-fat Milk
• Ice cream
• Whole milk Yogurt

I’m OK with eliminating the dairy but it will not work for Mr. Sandra. He drinks a lot of milk.

Cereal Grains

• Barley (barley soup, barley bread, & all processed foods made with barley)
• Corn (corn on the cob, corn tortillas, corn chips, cornstarch, corn syrup)
• Millet
• Oats (steel-cut oats, rolled oats & all processed foods made with oats)
• Rice (brown rice, white rice, top ramen, rice noodles, basmati rice, rice cakes, rice flour, & all processed foods made with rice)
• Rye (rye bread, rye crackers, & all processed foods made with rye)
• Sorghum
• Wheat (bread, rolls, muffins, noodles, crackers, cookies, cake, doughnuts, pancakes,
  waffles, pasta, spaghetti, lasagna, wheat tortillas, pizza, pita bread, flat bread, & all processed foods made with wheat or wheat flour)
• Wild rice
• Amaranth
• Buckwheat
• Quinoa

Umm… I love quinoa – it’s my favorite. AND technically it is a seed and not a grain so I may include it regardless.

Mr. Sandra loves rice (well so do I) and there is no way we are completely eliminating sushi out of our lives. I mean we won’t eat it every single day, but once a month or so…

Bread I have no problem with. Mr. S might.

No Corn? No Oatmeal?

Legumes

• All beans (adzuki beans, black beans, broad beans, fava beans, field beans, garbanzo beans, horse beans, kidney beans, lima beans, mung beans, navy beans, pinto  beans, red beans, string beans, white beans)
• Black-eyed peas
• Chickpeas
• Peanuts
• Lentils
• Snow peas, Peas,  Sugar snap peas
• Peanut butter
• Miso, Soybeans & all soybean products, including tofu

Oils

• Corn oil
• Cottonseed oil
• Peanut oil
• Soybean oil
• Rice bran oil
• Wheat germ oil

This includes products, such as mayonnaise, which include these oils.

Starchy Vegetables

• Starchy tubers Sweet potatoes Cassava root Yams
• Potatoes & all potato products (French fries, potato chips, etc.)

Salt-Containing Foods

• Bacon Processed Meats Pork rinds Cheese
• Salami Deli Meats Frankfurters Ham
• Hot Dogs
• Ketchup
• Pickled foods
• Olives
• Salted nuts
• Salted spices
• Sausages
• Smoked, dried, & salted fish & meat
• Virtually all canned meats & fish (unless you soak & drain them)

Fatty Meats

• Bacon
• Fatty beef roasts
• Beef ribs
• Chicken & turkey legs
• Fatty cuts of beef
• Fatty ground beef
• Chicken & turkey skin
• Fatty pork chops
• Fatty pork roasts
• Lamb chops, Lamb roasts, Leg of lamb
• Pork ribs Pork sausage
• T-bone steaks

Soft Drinks & Fruit Juices

• All sugary soft drinks

Sweets

• Candy Honey Sugars

This list does not include absolutely everything but as it is, it sure looks like we can’t eat much of anything doesn’t it? But there is a lot left we can have. This is just one list of many. Quite a few folks are NOT this strict with their food and do allow exceptions once in awhile. Guess they aren’t 100% Paleo either.

 

Any lean protein source works perfect (fish, wild game, grass fed beef, chicken, pork), along with plenty of vegetables and some fruit.

 

 

 

 

 

But as Mr. Sandra said last night “I’m a steak and potato kind of guy” so he had potatoes for dinner.

Old habits die hard…

To eat Paleo day in and day out is going to be very difficult until I have my house equipped with None of the above from the list of forbidden and full of everything we can have. It is too easy to throw something together that is quick and filling and likely has something in it we can’t have.

My desk has rice crackers, protein bars, almonds (these are OK), but I need to find other things I can snack on if I must have something to tide me over.

You know where I’m coming from?…..

Still working on the plan…

Maggie

I want to introduce you to the newest member of my family.

We picked her up on Saturday and I got to spend 3 hours driving with her and bonding. We are best friends already.

Kate likes her well enough as long as she stays away from her “stuff”. First day was hard on her as puppy has new chew toys that Ms. Kate no longer needs but certainly wanted to have. As soon as puppy dropped the chew, Ms. Kate dived in and grabbed it, sending puppy flying. Maggie didn’t know what hit her. So I went out and got some more chew toys because Kate can’t fit them all in her mouth.

One thing that Kate and her bigger pal Kiwi do is tease each other with bones, treats, balls, etc. They hold the “treat” in their mouth and prance back and forth in front of the other “teasing” them. Eventually the ropes would turn and the other dog would tease. Well Kate did that on Sunday to Maggie, grabbed a chew toy and ran back and forth in front of the puppy… teasing her. Maggie just laid down and went to sleep – she couldn’t care less.

Yet….

Kate is a powerhouse of energy (English Springer Spaniel trait) and little Ms. Maggie is only 8 weeks old and needs frequent naps. Last night she fell asleep beside me on the couch and this is how she ended up. Complete trust.

Eventually she will keep Ms. Katie happy and running around chasing each other.

Every time I take Ms. Maggie outside, she chases me all around the yard. She instinctively is a follower which is a Lab trait I think. She heels too well and I’m constantly stepping on her. She will eventually learn not to walk between my feet. And eventually will wander out away from me but right now she is stuck to my legs.

She is doing so well I think life with her will be a lot of fun (until she chews all our leather furniture).

Hope you have a great day!

ttyl

Sandra

Chiro Adjustments

I finally went back to the Chiropractor Office last week. I had stopped going in 2009 because the Dr. I was seeing left and his replacement left, and I wasn’t happy with those that were left in the office (doesn’t say much for the office since all the good ones were gone). But I called them again the other day and got in with another new Dr.  I knew that Active Release Therapy would help heal my foot and I specifically asked for a Dr. who practiced it. It is extremely painful to get done but after it has healed the end result is much less pain and hopefully a healed foot.

But instead of using his hands he used the Grafton Technique where he used a small instrument. It was a cross between very ticklish and very painful. It was a very weird sensation. He said that the majority of my pain, being in the heel, was caused by fat pad syndrome. I had never heard or this before but after reading the above link – it makes sense. He said because of the Plantar F. and the inflammation, the nerves in my heel are very sensitive and the padding has moved and therefore causing me the extreme pain in my heel. I wondered why my orthotics weren’t doing me much good. The other day I wore my sketchers (the ones with the curved sole) because they are like walking on air and it was less pressure on my heel. The pain was a lot less that night.

While he was at it, he adjusted my hip. I could almost immediately tell the difference. He said my Si joint was out of alignment and would greatly contribute to my hip pain. So he fixed it – but of course I have to go back (today) and likely will for a while until we get this old body straightened out. I slept that night for the first time in a long time with little to no pain. It was very refreshing.

He also adjusted my neck, which immediately got rid of the pain I was having in my right shoulder/back…. I tell ya folks… I’m falling apart. The pain was gone for a couple of hours but eventually came back. It will take some time to get everything back into place on a permanent basis.

Even though I don’t like to visit a Chiropractor 3x a week, I think I’m going to have to just to keep things in alignment while I ramp up my exercising and then the muscles will strengthen around the joints while they are in the right position. I think I will encounter a LOT LESS pain that way.

I hope you all have a great week!

ttyl

Sandra